from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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