these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You're like the curious george of whores
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
