im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
