omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
