dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
