did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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