There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
