One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
