Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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