they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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