I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
