I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
