so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
