Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
