your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
