Duck Duck Cougar?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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