Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
this will be a night to untag.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
