I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
