she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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