Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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