just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
