is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
