i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
