I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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