i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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