you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
