yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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