He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
being pregnant is like rehab
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
