my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
