Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He better not be in your backpack
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
