sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
