I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
