stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
