Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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