you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
