cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
