look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
