Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
