I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
