R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
