I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
