Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
