remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
