im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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