I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
