That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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