I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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