Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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