dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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