I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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