I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
