Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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