I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
