The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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