Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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