so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
