I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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