this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
