well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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