i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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