based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
