I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
