i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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