Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
