I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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