OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
