My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize