how can u be prego again
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
