FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
