She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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