I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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